It’s frightening to hear that a close family member has been diagnosed with cancer. The only thing more frightening is getting a personal diagnosis of cancer. So much depends on the exact nature of the cancer. Something like Stage I breast cancer is way better news than Stage IV lung cancer. But regardless of the prognosis, loved ones will want to help out however they can. They may even want to drop everything and rush to the patient’s side.
What you can do
Helping out with practical tasks is a wonderful way to support your loved one. Take the dog for walks, or pick up his or her dry cleaning, or bring by meals that are just as easy to reheat as they are to devour on the spot. The side effects of treatment can really do a number on the appetite, so don’t get offended if he or she sets aside the food for later. If the patient has a family with small children, offer to babysit for free. Doing something like taking the kids out for ice cream and a movie can give their parent a chance to take a nap and recover from the treatment he or she received earlier in the day. Children are exhausting even in the best of circumstances, and a mom or dad dealing with cancer is not dealing with anything close to optimal circumstances.
Every cancer patient should receive compassionate, patient-centric care. If you’re afraid that’s not happening, talk with your family member first. There may be a part of the story that you simply aren’t getting. But if your family member is too scared or weak to advocate for him or herself, you may be able to take on that role, at least partially. Treating cancer often involves making patients sick in hopes of eventually healing them. It’s not a pleasant experience, and your loved one will need as many people on his or her side as possible.
What you shouldn’t do
Avoid offering empty platitudes like, “This is all part of a larger plan,” or, “Everything will be fine.” Saying things like that can be annoying at best and downright harmful at worst. If your loved one is religious, feel free to communicate that you’re praying for him or her. If the person is not, then don’t bring up religion or a invitation to church. That’s incredibly insulting. Everyone, regardless of their health, wants to be seen as a person rather than a project.
Think carefully before doing anything drastic in your own life as well. If you’re in college across from the country and you find out that your dad has cancer, your first impulse may be to drop out and move back home immediately. But if your parents have always dreamed of seeing you get a good education, then abandoning it on their behalf may be the absolute last thing they want. Once you leave college, momentum can make it hard to ever go back. At the very least, look into online continuing education options. Adult children who are out of college and working steady jobs shouldn’t turn in their two weeks notice either, at least not right away. Don’t assume that your parents, or anyone else you love, will want you to completely disrupt your life to care for them.
